Testing

I think not testing for so long has made me settle into a permanent 3rd kyu state of mind. For background, the last time I tested before testing for 2nd kyu this past winter was in 1994, and I've been training most of that time, with a few years off here and there, most recently from 2008-2012. I didn't test because I moved a lot, and changed dojos often — Berkeley Aikikai (Shibata Shihan), Chicago Aikikai (Choate Sensei, Takehara Sensei, Jionjuku Aikido (Messores Sensei), West Seattle Aikikai (McKee Sensei). Although all of those were great dojos, with phenomenal teachers, I think it's slowed my growth, made me unsure of myself, given me a permanent case of beginner's mind.

I think when you test, you grow into it, you expand into your new role, and you get this great affirmation that you're handling the material. But, when you don't test, there's no expectation of growth, no acknowledgement of what you may have learned, and I think growth retards.

I hope this changes in my brain soon. I'm sick of doubting myself. My doubt makes me nervous, and when I'm nervous, my aikido sucks.

Thinking about testing, and where my compatriots are, makes me depressed. I tell myself "You're training, you'd be training whether or not you tested, right? You'd even be working on the same exact things." "Well, yes, but it's about how I see myself as an aikido practitioner. It's embarrassing having to explain it when people ask me (and for some reason they always do). I feel like a teenager who failed so many times that he's still in elementary school."

(just venting)